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Sideshow Gifts: Freakshow's BLOG!Get down and dirty with Freakshow and the Gang!
Whiffle Dolls! [posted by The Caretaker on January0 2, 2009 at 10:25 AM]
Many foolish banana flayers don't realize the grape hind reveals operatic jailor density. Inertia is the propensity of matter to maintain CONdoms. For they that find solace in the destruction of life are themselves destined for spaghetti with feet sauce and paralyzed cheeze. I Coaled!
Sheer Genius! [posted by Freakshow on March 30, 2009 at 6:28 PM]
I've never in my life seen such a collection of pure genius. I RAVAGE SMALL VILLAGES... would like to present to you, the top 10 inventions of all time! Keep in mind, these devices have revolutionized life as we know it, and most of us couldn't even think of life without them now.
The Dog Sack! This clever device lets Rover ride outside the car in a detachable sack. We all know how much dogs love to stick their head outside the car, well now he can put his whole BODY outside the car! Added bonus: you don't have to stop to walk him, he can just shoot it out behind him into oncoming traffic! Read More Here.
The Cat Wig Lets face it, you can only do so much with a cat's hair. It's just not fashionable! Put on some of these beautiful wigs on Whiskers, and watch all the boy cats get all hot and bothered. Read More Here.
iPhone Fingers Worried about getting your iPhone pregnant, but don't have access to a "morning after" memory card? No worries, now there is iPhone Fingers, condoms for your fingers! Read More Here.
The Pedal Powered Wheelchair Being in a wheelchair usually means building up your upper-body strength. Not anymore! Why hasn't anyone thought of this before?? You can use your LEGS to power the wheelchair instead! Read More Here.
The Inflatable Dartboard This innovative device takes this classic game and lets you store it anywhere on the go! Blow it up and viola! Instant dartboard. AND, if someone actually manages to hit the dartboard, the repairs will be swift with the puncture repair kit that is included, and you'll be back to playing in no time! Well, that is until the dartboard is hit again, but what are the odds of that? Read More Here.
iFlyz Portable Media Player Airline Hold You're on a plane with your brand new iPod, trying to watch a movie, but where do you put the iPod? Hold it??? Out of the question!! Try this handy device which attaches to the seatback, making you do as little work as possible. Read More Here.
Battery-Powered Battery Charger How do you charge your batteries when there's no plug in sight? With batteries of course! Read More Here.
Method for Collision Recognition With a Pedestrian "Oh crap, we just hit something!" How many times have you said this to yourself when driving home on a dark road. And how many times have you wondered "Jeez, I hope it wasn't a human." Now you no longer have to wonder. This tells you whether you hit a pedestrian, or just some random object. No longer will you have to be late for an important because you stopped to see if you hit Fred, or just some random twig in the road. Plus, it's completely accurate 17.5% of the time! Read More Here.
Anti-Eating Face Mask You've tried diets, but - as always - food just somehow ends up in your mouth! No worries, now there is the Anti-Eating Face Mask! All you have to do is place this medieval-looking device on your face, and it blocks any solid food from ever reaching your mouth. Now they just need to invent a device that prevents this face mask from accidentally falling off your face, thus allowing that pesky food to jump into your mouth again. Read More Here.
The Prankster Fire Alarm Trap This marvel of modern innovation traps the hand of anyone who pulls the fire alarm in a metal handcuff until the fire department comes to release you. That'll teach anyone to mess with the fire alarm! In the event of a real fire, however... wait, like THAT would ever happen. Read More Here.
For more info on these brilliant inventions, Read More Here.
Well, that's all for this week folks, I'll be watching you! (Through the window)
Freakshow back from a vacation in CELL BLOCK 6... The Bahamas. I find myself often looking around and thinking to myself "Look at all these people... They have no idea what's about to happen". The sun comes up, and the moon goes down, but everyone seems to be having a good time! Oh yeah, I almost forgot - meet me at 12:00 sharp on the corner of Hap and McLaren - and you better bring that briefcase! Because I'm not wearing any briefs, HEY onto the news!
Spiderman saves a Bangkok boy! Read all about it! An autistic kid refuses to come down from a ledge on the third floor because he was anxious about his first day at school. He refused to come off the ledge until his mother told authorities about his love for superheros. Suddenly, a local fireman dons a spiderman suit and comes to his rescue, and the kid gets down safe! The fireman says he keeps the suit around to actually liven up school fire drills.Read Full Story Here.
Speaking of spiderman, a bat tried to hitch a ride with Nasa space shuttle Discovery. The bat attached itself to the fuel tank of the shuttle before it took off. Read full story here. This has given me a rather ingenious idea. I'll see you guys next week, from SPACE!!
HI! Bubbles here! Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I have been off doing research for Acid Rayne and her new NatGeo program. At least that is what I think I have been looking up stuff for tee hee. Things have been really busy and fun here at the sideshow. I did manage to have a bit of time last week to make some goodies for my sideshow friends. I have put up a photo to show the delicious awesomeness that I call Chocolate Cake A la Bubbles. I always have to add my own flair to things. How else can we be sure I actually made it? Acid Rayne just LOVES all my baked goods! The Caretaker and Shark Face are just so hard to read. No happy face. No sad face. Just a plain ole face! Sooooo unlike me tee hee! And Freakshow, you may ask, does he enjoy my treats? Well, when he eats them he flails around a lot... But he does that anyway, so that is a definite maybe possible. Well, I must dash. Acid Rayne needs a few more tidbits for her next segment. Until next time! Love, Bubbles
Yours Truly is working on writing and producing a NatGeo program focusing on a species of vermin that has, in recent decades, begun to overrun specific socioeconomic groups across the world. Part one of this four-part program would address the growing population of this pest on our own continent. Allow me to give you a taste of this delectable quad-tier delight. Ahem. The North American Douchebag is easily recognizable by several key characterizations. While other defining characteristics exist, it is the surface attributes that make this vermin so easy to spot. Note the polo shirt: invariably this garment will be unbuttoned at the neck, often in order to display ritualistic symbols of fertility hung from various encircling materials (most often leather, occasionally linked silver or gold chains, etc). Younger, less mature Douchebags, tend to take this clothing ritual one step further, by flipping or “popping” up the collars of their unbuttoned polo shirts, mimicking the mating habits of the frilled lizard. Secondary to these habiliment attributes, is the North American Douchebag’s accessorizing. Clamped between teeth or dangling from lax, rubbery lips, one will often see a toothpick held in the Douchebag’s mouth. Should the Douchebag open its mouth (something that usually happens in order to emit bilious regurgitative fluids) the toothpick will not at first become dislodged, but will hang there, stuck to the glutinous viscid mat of its lower lip. Nor shall the toothpick be removed during habitual consumption of mass quantities of fermented grain products, more commonly referred to as “Beer” or “Brewskies” by the Douchebag, which brings us to the third identifying characteristic of this North American pest: The plastic beer cup. Clenched in the Douchebag’s hand, the plastic beer cup will be drained and filled as often as possible, until the Douchebag’s inebriation reaches the point where the cup is spilled more than it is drained. Beware the North American Douchebag, as they tend to travel in packs of three to six, and have been known to randomly throw up on and hit (or attempt to hit) the average person. Alone, the Douchebag is nowhere near as dangerous as in a pack, and it will attempt to group up with its brethren in order to achieve a certain dubious safety in numbers. When in the presence of other Douchebags, the North American Douchebag will feel free to perform acts of douchebaggery much more extreme than it would dare on its own. Large numbers of North American Douchebags also tend to attract many Sorostitutes, the Douchebag’s mating partner of choice. Sorostitutes also travel in packs and are to be avoided at all costs. This concludes our segment on the North American Douchebag. *Bow* Next week: The Sorostitute.
Love Always, Yours Truly
P.S. Special thanks to the SideshowGifts research team, Bubbles, for gathering all this important information.
Giving you the latest and greatest CHAINSAW MOLESTING... up-to-date news, here is our field reporter Frank Evans. Frank?
Thanks, Fred, I'm standing here in Madrid, Spain, where Spanish police have arrested a 66-year-old man from Chile who attempted to smuggle cocaine into spain with a cast made entirely of the powdery goodness. Apparantly, his leg was actually broken, but had a special cast made entirely of Cocaine in order to smuggle it in unoticed. Click Here for the full story.. Back to you, Fen!
I'll bet he'll try the broom next time. YOUR FLY IS DOWN... Lets check in with Floyd with traffic. Floyd?
Fabian, we've got a real mess out here on I-240. First of all, we have a couple of dead roaches clogging up the roadway near Nonconnah Blvd. Over near the Poplar exit, we have a 10-car pileup caused by leaking bong water. I've never seen such raw carnage before! I can't take it anymore, I'm going to jump!
I guess it's only HALF a dollar now. SCISSOR KICK STINK... I hear we have quite a disturbance over there in Farley's neck of the woods. Farley?
Thanks, Frasier. Here in Peoria, at the local McDonalds, a very brutal and disturbing act has taken place. It all began when a man ordered a McGriddle - and the egg was accidentally omitted from it. He bartered with the clerk for a while, but "snapped" when the person in line behind him honked. He proceeded to commit an unthinkable act of violence. He threw the greasy, McNasty sandwich in the clerks face. Click Here for the full story. Back to you, Fallon.
Good think we didn't see his rabbit too! Well, that's it for the news this week. From Freakshow and the rest of the gang I HIDE IN PEOPLE'S CLOSETS... I bid you all goodnight - and keep watching the stars! You never know when they might attack.
Always happy to disturb, we have finished production of our first commercial, available UPON DEATH... umm YouTube and other fine stores near you. Watch the video, and lettuce know what you think.
You can see "The Adventures of Freakshow" exclusively on our MySpace Blog. Let me tell you, life as a superhero sure is weird sometimes.
And now, the news:
Imagine having your favorite TV shows broadcast straight into your HEINZ KETCHUP... um eyeballs using contact lenses. Just imagine the pornographic implications! Oh, and I also hear it might be good for watching movies too. Click here for the entire story
Don't worry, Police in Nigeria have caught the suspect in an armed robbery: a Goat. A group of vigilantes brought the suspect to the police. Turns out, the robber - through black magic - transformed himself into a Goat to avoid suspicion. It didn't work out for this guy, but hey, why don't more criminals think of doing this? Click here for the full story.
On Beyond Zodiac... [posted by Fortune Teller on February 27, 2009 at 2:40 AM]
Greetings mortals. I am the Fortune Teller. Fortunes forecast, lucky charms. Catch the dope with your horoscope. I predict a dirty thumb in your future. Also, you shall sit on a basket containing a snake. For a few fortunes hand tailored to your astrological symbol, please enjoy these horoscopes knitted with starshine and kissed with the excrement of a male bovine.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19) Goat: You want to butt heads with everyone this month.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18) Water Bearer: May have a tendency to urinate uncontrollably every time you see your sign.
Pisces (February 19-March 20) Fish: The stars are in perfect alignment for you to start up a local branch of the Joe Pesci Fan Club this month.
Aries (March 21-April 19) Ram: Don’t jay-walk—there may be a Dodge in your future.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) Bull: Sell all your Ford stock; you are obsolete.
Gemini (May 21-June 20) Twins: Finding ways to cope with feelings of inadequacy after reading about octuplets remains out of your reach.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) Crab You are compatible with a little butter and Old Bay Seasoning.
Leo (July 23-August 22) Lion: You find yourself searching high and low for a decent zebra burger; try settling for a little carry on.
Virgo (August 23-September 22) Virgin: Stay away from Scorpios and Sagittarius and any other signs with pointy arrow things.
Libra (September 23-October 22) The Scales: Feeling a little unbalanced emotionally this month.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21) Scorpion: At unexpected times you can expect to find yourself unintentionally singing along with the Police’s Greatest Hits.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) Archer: Just can’t seem to hit the mark on anything you do this month.
Horace (12th of Never) Looser: Why even bother reading this?? Jerk.
Seuss (Januvember 32-Octember 15) Lorax: Uncontrollable urge to merge, purge & regurge a surge.
Buggah! [posted by The Caretaker on February 26, 2009 at 11:45 AM]
Many times there are ways in which one might express ground level nepotism despite the role of halo poles for googoo cluster ballet. Yellow triangular hotgods are flight master balanced from pop tart nanny. Kreepy kool cindergarden mail femail future do not make folding glass doughnuts. I haired!
Bedtime Stories [posted by Acid Rayne on February 18, 2009 at 8:40 PM]
Dearest Readers,
Rereading a much beloved bedtime story from my childhood. Must say, Stephen King’s It holds the same enchantment for me as it did when I was six. Have noticed something new however, that escaped me when first I poured over the novel’s pages: Mr. King quotes a Clive Barker book. How delightful. For a moment I found myself wondering how ever I could have missed this, but then the exhausted hamster powering my brain began again to toil in its wheel and I remembered that I had not discovered Mr. Barker’s work until I was eight. Mystery illuminated. Suggest to all that you revisit books that gave you special enjoyment as wee morsels and see what forgotten tidbits await.
While perusing YouTube for various SNUFF FILMS... err uhhh MST3K clips (my friggin FAVORITE) I stumbled across this gem and thought it to be very interesting. The person who posted it might be onto something, and I'll let you decide, but to me it seems like an incident of "coincidence? I think not!"
It appears this may indeed be the origin of the famous Southpark catchphrase.
Oh did I tell you about my GOOSE HEAD ummm a neighbor that had his house broken into? Apparantly he came home to find his window broken, and his house in disarray, but the only thing missing was a $6.00 steak that was laid out on the counter to defrost while he was gone. Apparantly the would-be burgler broke into the house, cooked himself the steak, ate it, then left. A true sign of the times I suppose. Click for the entire story
If someone hot was auctioning off her virginity online, how much would you pay to hit it? Probably a LOT less than $3.7 million, which is the current bid for 22-year-old Natalie Dylan who is auctioning off her Virginity (to be performed at the world famous Bunny Ranch, no less). The best part is, the government can't do a thing to stop it. Click here for more info
Ok, gotta go, we're only allowed outside for 1 hour per day. Until next time!
